On Discipline.

(Photo courtesy of Wade Chan)

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

Often times, I don't always see the good that is in the world or in people or even in myself. I'm so focused on the broken parts, that it's hard to see the good parts. Yet, as I enter into this new era of grace in my life - learning how to be more patient with myself and others of being in process, I'm learning to see the blessings that God has given me - the good parts of myself and others. I am thankful for the ways that my parents raised me to be hard-working and disciplined growing up as a child. I studied hard and learned how to manage my time at a young age - and developed a love for reading and learning. My parents instilled in me a value for education and the value of pursuing higher education - and for this I am thankful. I think that's why I'm the nerd that I am and why I love studying, learning, and reading. (It's honestly ironic that I write this post in the middle of finals week, where I am losing motivation to really do anything, but I guess this is why I need to write it.) Since I played piano and violin, and was highly involved in church - I had to learn to not waste time and value every second of it in high school. I think this is the reason why I might not struggle as much in school as others around me, even in graduate school - and for this I am thankful and know that it is an evidence of God's grace in my life. I know He is the One who empowers me to study, and has given me this passion for learning and for education.

After studying the Pastoral Epistles this past semester and seeing how much Paul encourages Timothy to be disciplined - like a soldier, an athlete, or a hard-working farmer (2 Timothy 2) - to be disciplined towards godliness, I am reaping the fruits of the habits of discipline that I have developed even at a young age. Even at a young age, I know that God was working in my life to help me pursue this virtue of discipline. Even if I didn't know it, the Holy Spirit was there, helping me as a young high school student who wanted to pursue excellence. I did have a genuine desire to pursue excellence for God and to make the most out of the opportunity that my parents had given me - being a second generation Filipino-American - and perhaps, this is what motivates me to continue studying, even during finals - when I feel tired and weary, and the 18 years of studying without taking a break is finally catching up to me. In these times, I remember God's grace to me in the past, the privilege He has given me to even be able to study something I love - Him and His Word, and the hope to the future of going deeper in the depths of the knowledge of God and helping others see and savor Him more and more by eventually teaching at the university or seminary level...

So I press on...

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

The other day, I went to my classmates' church, and it was truly a joy seeing the guys who I study with actively ministering to others in their churches. It's just so strange and interesting to see these guys who are just normal dudes in my classes as pastors and teachers, and leaders of churches. It truly is a privilege to be studying with them, and seeing how God is using them for His Kingdom work and His glory. Now as I look around and see my classmates, I see not only them, but also the group of people they minister to - and as each one is being equipped during this time in seminary - they are also representing a group who they will be equipping, and then those others who that group will be equipping...this is really exciting to me...

I believe God is going to do powerful things in this generation and the next generation...

I can feel it coming...

My friend Eui is going to IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City because she really has a passion to pray for the churches, especially in this area. As I've been visiting different churches with her, I feel led to do the same - to really pray for the my fellow classmates' ministries and churches because I know God is going to great things in this generation...I am so excited!

Whoooooooooo!

So if you would like prayer for you or your ministry, let me know, I'd love to pray for you :)

Please pray for me too. I need prayers to get through this week (since my own motivation is dying...I know I need some supernatural motivation) :)

A New Era of Grace.

(Photo courtesy of Eufemio Magsombol, Jr.)

I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

It is freeing :)

Spreading my wings...and flying high...

I think I have entered into a new era of GRACE.

That phrase can be taken in so many ways...

Yay for freedom in Christ!

Thank you for your prayers :)

I thank God for you...

(A.S. family picture from our planning retreat)

"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers"

Ephesians 1:16

As I reflect on the many things I'm thankful for during this Thanksgiving weekend, I think of one of the greatest things I am thankful for - the amazing community of friends that God has given me. I am thankful for friends who know me and love me - who have seen the good and the bad in me, and still love me. I am thankful for friends who draw me out - who don't take my surface answers when they ask "How are you doing?" and seek out how I'm really doing. I'm thankful for friends who hold me when I'm broken and hopeless, crying my eyes out. I'm thankful for friends who sit with me and come alongside of me, who don't try to fix me, who aren't surprised by me - but love me in my brokenness and show me God's presence - that the intensity of my emotions, my sin, my failures, my fears, my insecurities, my pain don't separate me from God's love.

As Henry Nouwen says in the book In the Name of Jesus:

"We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God."

Thanks for being a vessel of God's love to me.

Machines Ran Away with My Heart.

(Photo courtesy of julosstock from sxc.hu)

I wish I were a machine,

Then I wouldn't have to feel

The loss, the hurt, the pain.

The guilt, the sadness, the shame.

I wouldn't have to look

At the dark places from where they came.

I wouldn't have to spend time and energy

To tend to the broken parts of me.

I could just go, work, and do.

Efficiency 100% times 2.

Logic rules-

Feelings subdued.

Just keep moving,

Just keep busy.

Just keep doing.

I wouldn't have to try to hide -

The feeling of deadness inside.

But then I wouldn't feel

The comfort, the care, the unconditional love

Of the Father's hands who hold me.

Of my Savior, of the descending Dove.

I wouldn't feel the joy of His presence

His delight, His favor, His grace,

His compassion, His mercy, His strength

To endure and run this race.

So I sit, I cry, I scream, I yell-

Because this is the closest I'll ever get to the depths of hell,

And You are still there.

On Courage.

Courage.

It's a word I've been hearing alot lately and thinking about lately. What is courage?

Wikipedia defines it as:

"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition,shame, scandal, or discouragement."

I often think of courage in people such as a firefighter going into a burning building to save people, or a military man fighting for our country to protect the lives of civilians, or a performer performing in front of an audience of thousands.

I don't often think of myself having very much courage, but it's been a word that other people have given to me to describe my journey of confronting the brokenness of myself and allowing others to see me in this brokenness. I know this must be the Spirit working in my life, and a sign of God's grace in me. It is encouraging to hear because I often times focus on the bad in me, that it's hard to see the good.

I really wish I had everything all together - but at the end of the day, it's in the brokenness and pain that God meets me because as Jesus said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). And if I had everything all together, there would be no need of Christ's love. Yet, as I face my own demons, I also see the depths of God's love for me. And so, I experience the reality of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians as I experience the depths of God's love for me:

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

I remember the summer before I started seminary, God kept on bringing to mind the verse, Joshua 1:9:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

And then I remember Rob, telling me that this verse repeatedly came to mind as he thought of me in Spiritual Mentoring Group, during my second semester at Talbot. So here it is again, and again I am reminded that even now, God is with me - that I can be strong and courageous - even as I face my fears, I can take courage in the fact that God is always with me.

Now as I think about courage, I see how courage is around me much more than I realize. I think about the courage of my parents - how they left their homeland of the Philippines, to come to America to make a better life for themselves and their families. Rising up from poverty, they worked hard and excelled in school so that they could provide things for me and my brother the things that they never had growing up. I think of the courage of my dad, coming to America alone - moving to a foreign land full of strangers with no family with him. I think of the courage of my mom, converting to Protestantism even though most of her family was devoutly Roman Catholic. I think of the courage of my parents, moving to a predominantly Caucasian suburb, so that my brother and I would have the comforts of the American upper-middle class. I think of their courage as they worked long and hard hours to send us to a private Christian school, and provide opportunities for us that they never ever had - like enrolling me in piano and violin lessons. I think of their courage as they sought to raise us with good morals and Christian values. I think of the courage my parents have had in hardship as they've both had to mourn the loss of their parents and some of their siblings.

In many ways, they have been great examples for me of courage. And in a sense, perhaps, this is a virtue that I have gleaned from them over the years.

I often don't think much about or thank my parents for the way they raised me. But I am thankful.

And looking back at my childhood - seeing both the good and broken parts doesn't negate either one. Just because I notice the performance-driven patterns in my life in the need to the achieve or gain others' approval, and perhaps work too much, doesn't negate the fact that my parents also demonstrated a great amount of courage and fortitude, in which I have learned from them. Understanding my childhood and looking back at the good times and the painful times, doesn't negate God's goodness or mean that I am ungrateful, but I think it just shows how God's grace and goodness have been in my life and how God uses both the good and broken parts for His glory. His power is truly made perfect in our weaknesses.

I love, love, love...

I currently love, love, love this song:

"Beautiful Things" by Gungor

(thanks to Toby for sharing it in the AS office)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

I love, love, love experiencing the Psalms:

"Those who sow in tears, will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves." Psalm 126:5-6

I am experiencing this verse - as I face the hard realities of pain and suffering, I also feel an immense joy as God shows me His love and faithfulness in the midst of my brokenness. I am thankful for His truth and that He is the only One who truly knows all the depths of me, and still loves all of me. He knows me better than I even know myself, and loves me so deeply. I am so thankful for this.

I love, love, love studying and thinking about Romans 8:

(Lauren and I jumping in Jerusalem)

I wrote a paper on Romans 8:1-11 this past week and it was pretty amazing. I got so excited in the middle of writing it, that I started dancing in my dining room. I haven't felt this happy in a really long time, so I am so thankful that God is restoring His joy in me.

¹There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.²For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. ³For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

⁹You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

The reason why I get so excited studying this passage is because I the truth that there is freedom in Christ and the Spirit is so exciting for me. When I often feel condemned, the truth that I am not condemned in Christ because He has condemned sin in the flesh for us is so freeing! When I feel hopeless and weak, it is exciting to know that the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in me! There is so much power in the Spirit - there is so much hope for growth and transformation in the Spirit! This is exciting!

I love, love, love this book:

"The Good and Beautiful God" by James Bryan Smith

Quotes from Chapter 4 on "God is Generous."

"The sun gratuitously rises and warms our planet and, along with the unmerited rain, nourishes the land, yielding delicious fruits and grains. It is all manna, the unearned provision of a lavish and loving God. We have never been and will never be in a place where we can turn to God and say, "You owe me. I deserve this." We do not deserve anything we have been given. We have earned nothing. Yet God continues to give. That is because God is not interested in what we can do for God. God is interested in something much more important than our good works....God wants you to know and to love him." (85-86)

"The greatest honor we can give to God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of His love."

"What God most wants is to see you smile because you know how much God loves you."

~Julian of Norwich (86)

I think I've already mentioned this in an earlier blog post. But wow, the truths in this book - so simple, yet so powerful. Things I have known in my head, but now I feel like they are actually connecting to my heart - God is so good and beautiful, generous, and trustworthy - I am learning how to believe not just with my head, but also with my heart. For one who is innately a legalist at heart, one who tries to earn God's love and approval and the love and approval of others, it is so amazing to experience the unconditional love that God has given me in Christ, that I don't have to work for His love. It makes me so happy. I feel so loved by God.

Rainy Days are for Wearing Argyle Sweaters and Boots.

(Photo by Amber S. Wallace, NC from www.sxc.hu)

Today, I enjoyed the rain. I don't always like the rain, but I think because I was prepared for the elements after buying a new pair of stylish water-resistant boots, a warm argyle sweater, and a black-and-white floral umbrella yesterday from Target, I enjoyed the rain today.

Yesterday, I realized that my sneakers do not keep my feet dry in the rain - and I absolutely hate the feeling of walking around in wet socks all day. I remember one day when we were walking around in Jerusalem and it rained - and I was wearing a pair of 5-year-old brown-and-white sneakers with holes in them. My socks got wet early in the morning when I stepped in a puddle and I had to walk around all day with wet socks. I remember finally coming back to our hotel, and we had a couple of hours to chill and wander before dinner. I was exhausted and ready to take a nap. Lauren and I were chilling in our room - and then James, Eufemio, and Jo came to convince us to go walk around Old Jerusalem with them. I was so tired, but then I put on dry socks - and BOOM! - it was like drinking a Red Bull - I was energized and in such better spirits. (Perhaps I should title this post "Dry Socks Gives Me Wings." haha) That was the day we spent an hour in a t-shirt shop and bought our "Shalom Y'all" shirts. I think that night of hanging out with the Shalom Y'all crew was one of my favorite times in Israel. I'm glad I put on those dry socks. It's funny how a change in something so small can influence so much.

(Photo by Eufemio Magsombol from eufemio.zenfolio.com)

So I guess this is something God is teaching me...change doesn't happen overnight, but in steps, even if they are baby steps (haha, now I'm thinking about the movie "What About Bob?")...and that He is holding my hand each step of the way....even in the places where I have to face my fears and my tears. God is good, gentle, and patient with me, even when I am impatient with myself. I am thankful for this.

I am currently reading "The Good and Beautiful God: Falling In Love with the God Jesus Knows" by James Bryan Smith for my Theology class. It is a great book - I highly recommend it. It focuses on how Jesus views God and then has Spiritual Formation Exercises so that the knowledge of who God is doesn't just become head knowledge, but will truly sink deep into the soul. I just read the chapter on how "God is Trustworthy" and the spiritual formation exercise is to count our blessings and praise God for the good gifts He provides....to help us see that He is good and trustworthy. This is something that my Spiritual Director encouraged me to do last semester, but I never really did it...but now as I realize how much I need to internalize this truth, I think this is something I need to start doing more often:

So today's blessings are:

~rain

~boots

~celebrating wearing boots and our femininity with my roommates and the A.S. ladies.

~argyle sweaters

~umbrellas

~being refreshed by worshiping God through music and being reminded that Jesus is risen with other students at chapel

~enjoying food and fellowship with other Talbot students at donut chapel

~Krispy Kreme donuts

~Panera bagels

~Albertson's fried chicken and potato wedges

~A.S. staff meeting - I really love our A.S. team!

~hanging out and having a sleepy day in the A.S. office

~walking around the neighborhood of my apartment and splashing in puddles at the park and having dry socks through it all!

~seeing birds flying in the trees even in the rain

~Wonton soup perfect for cold weather

~free music downloads from Come and Live! - Currently listening to "Lesser Men " by Abel

~blogging and enjoying the quiet, solitude, and reflection in my apartment

There are many things to be thankful for.

Women and Men in Ministry

Just finished reading Women and Men in Ministry: A Complementary Perspective by Robert L. Saucy and Judith K. TenElshof (2 Talbot profs) for my Pastoral Epistles class. I really liked it.

They provide really good Scriptural, theological, psychological, and cultural support for how there is a created order with the headship of man, yet there is also great value and need of the women's voice in the church.

I think I agree with their perspective, but now figuring out how that practically looks like for me is another story...

I want to work with college students in a ministry setting - whether that be campus ministry and/or -perhaps, eventually becoming a professor, so I'm trying to figure out where I fit in the whole scheme of things - how to utilize the ways God has gifted me for His glory in the ways He wants me to use them.

Healing Begins

It hurts coming out of hiding, but I am thankful for God's great love and healing...I am finding freedom...

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

More Pretty Places.

Backyard.

Oxnard, CA.

Pretty Places Make Me Happy :)

Grand Canyon June 2010.

No, no, nothing can ever separate us.

I've been camped out in Romans 8 alot recently because I love the truth of this chapter from start to finish reminding me that I am no longer under condemnation through Christ - that I am free in Him - that the Spirit helps me in my weakness - and that nothing can separate me from God's love.

"Who then shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
~Romans 8:35-39

I have to constantly remind myself of these truths so that my introspective nature doesn't lead me to a downward spiral of despair. I am thankful that God holds me and that He reminds me of His unchanging love.

Came across this song by Hillsong called Desert Song. It's a great song and there's also an incredible story behind it.

On Perfectionism.

I was re-reading Writing with Style: Conversations on the Art of Writing by John R. Trimble (which is an excellent book on writing!)to help a kid I tutor with writing and came across this witty quote. I feel like this can be true not only in writing, but also in life in general:

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a sh****y first draft. Perfectionism will ruin your writing, blocking inventiveness and playfulness and life force (these are words we are allowed to use in California). Perfectionism means that you try desperately not to leave so much mess to clean up. But clutter and mess show us that life is being lived. Clutter is wonderfully fertile ground-- you can still discover new treasures under all those piles, clean things up, edit things out, fix things, get a grip. Tidiness suggests that something is as good as it's going to get. Tidiness makes me think of held breath, of suspended animation, while writing needs to breathe and move."

~Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Came across this blog on Recovering Perfectionists: quite funny since I can totally relate.

Grace. Confidence. Courage.

Another quote from the Of First Importance blog: Wow, I love that blog. Such gospel gems.

"Grace dismantles your confidence in you, while it gives you more hope and courage than you have ever had."

~Paul David Tripp, Twitter post

After being in a season of sitting in my brokeness, things are starting to look brighter. God is showing me His grace and how He is working in me even in the brokenness and pain. I am thankful for His love and how He shows it to me in tangible ways - through the loving support of community who are sources of grace and truth in my life, through reminders in nature, through His unchanging Truth and character, through the goodness of the Gospel - that I am fully loved and accepted by God because of Jesus' work on the cross. I feel very loved and held by God even in the hard times. I am thankful that God's love is constant and unchanging, and that He holds me through everything, even though my love for Him changes. I am saved by His grace alone, and not by anything that I have done. I am thankful so much that I am surrounded by His sea of grace and that nothing can separate me from His love.

I am very thankful for Spiritual Direction and the ways that I am encouraged in seeing God working in everything. I encourage everyone to take advantage of Spiritual Direction if you ever have the opportunity. It has been so beneficial to me and in my relationship with God.
Learn more about it here: Metamorpha.com. They have a list of Spiritual Directors that are available for Spiritual Direction.
If you are a Biola student, the Institute of Spiritual Formation offers Spiritual Direction.

It has been so helpful to me that it makes me think that I might pursue a second M.A. in Spiritual Formation....

Oh, I'm going to be in school forever...haha.

The Essence of Holiness.

Read this on the Of First Importance blog today:


"You will cleanse no sin from your life that you have not first recognized as being pardoned through the cross. This is because holiness starts in the heart. The essence of holiness is not new behavior, activity, or disciplines. Holiness is new affections, new desires, and new motives that then lead to new behavior. If you don't see your sin as completely pardoned, then your affections, desires, and motives will be wrong. You will aim to prove yourself. Your focus will be the consequences of your sin rather than hating the sin and desiring God in its place."

~Tim Chester in You Can Change

If You Want Me To

I like this song because it talks about the path of brokeness and suffering that we face in this life.

If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was when I first took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise that You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire if You want me to

It may not have been the way I have chosen
When You lead me through a world that is not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley if You want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if You want me to

Hope after Destruction.

Today I went to Deukmeijian Wilderness Park's grand re-opening. This is the park that is across the street from me. I grew up hiking these mountains which were ravaged by the fire last September. They were charred and black this past winter.

But today, I saw the hope of spring and summer as I the different types of plants growing back over the charred areas. Some plants actually only can grow because of the fire and the new constitution of the soil. It's comforting to see new life spring out of a place of deep devastation and destruction. I see hope and I am thankful that God gives me these tangible illustrations of hope. He is truly an amazing Creator and I am thankful that He is with me.

There is a really cool art exhibition from June 19 to July 24 in Glendale called ART from the ashes where many local artists collaborated to make art from salvaged materials from the fire site to provide a cathartic avenue for victims of the fire through art. All proceeds go to the restoration of Deukmeijian Wilderness Park. Check it out.

Oh How He Loves Us!

In the middle of crazy finals studying, God shows me glimpses of His love.
Lyndsey sent me this song this past week and I was very blessed by it (Thanks Lyndsey! I <3 you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps&feature=player_embedded

How He Loves

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us, so
Oh how he loves us, how he loves us so

We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

Ready to Receive?

An article that I submitted to The Steadfast, Talbot's newsletter:

"To give is better than to receive," is a statement our mothers taught us growing up so that we would be good, generous people. It is a true statement, but at the same time, there is a place for receiving. Being in the Holy Land was a powerful experience, and I will take all of the sights and sounds of Israel with me for life. Yet, the most memorable experience of the trip for me was the lesson of receiving.

A few days before the end of the trip, along with many others in our group, I came down with the stomach flu. During this time, I had to depend on others to care for me. My roommate got me water, crackers, bread -- all the essentials for someone on a limited diet due to the stomach flu. She even did my last-minute souvenir shopping. People checked up on me, took pictures and videos for me, gave me massages, encouraged and prayed for me. I was greatly blessed by the love I felt by the members of our group while I was sick, and realized that this is what it means for the body of Christ to function as the family of God.

Thankfully, the resort we stayed at in En Gev was situated right along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, so I was able to enjoy the beautiful view from my bedroom window. Lying there looking at the Sea of Galilee, I meditated on how Jesus came not for the well, but for the sick. Then I realized how I am that sick person who needs healing -- not only physically, but spiritually. God showed me how I don't have it all together -- how I'm broken and wounded, and how much I need His healing. I used to think that with going into ministry I was on this super-spiritual level, having the whole "I have to save the world" syndrome. However, God showed me that it's not even about me saving people. I need Him just as much as that rowdy kid who never stops talking during a Bible study. I need Christ as much as that man on the street, pushing his grocery cart filled with all his earthly possessions, sleeping on the stairs of my church. I need Jesus as much as that Haitian orphan, who has no home, no family, no place to go. I need God just as much as that adamant atheist who mocks my faith when I try to share with him the best news ever. I need Him as much as that tyrant dictator who has killed so many innocent people.

The essence of the Gospel message is receiving. We must realize that we can't do anything to earn God's love and forgiveness, and simply be open to receiving the free gift He's already given us through Christ's sacrifice. As others cared for me in Israel, this Gospel truth came to life for me in tangible ways. I want this essential truth to be the center of my life. Sadly, in ministry this basic truth can get pushed aside as I try to do things in my own strength instead of seeing how God's grace is made perfect in my weakness. It's in this very place of weakness that effective ministry takes place. We're all broken people, in need of a Savior. Ministry is about coming alongside others, as we look to the One who ultimately heals our brokeness.

5 Years is a Long Time

"5 years is a long time."

~A quote from Nancy's and my quotebook from 3rd year of college...

I was looking through all my albums on facebook today. It's true that a picture is worth a 1000 words. It's amazing how powerful pictures are and how much it can capture. As I reflect on the past 5 years, I am amazed at God's faithfulness to me through it all. Where was I 5 years ago? I was still a senior in high school, getting ready to graduate, excited for the adventure of UCLA that awaited me.

In this 5 year time span I have: Graduated high school. Graduated college. Started seminary. Travelled to 12 countries. Became a choir director and youth worker at church.

It's pretty crazy to see God's hand throughout my life: changing my direction, from doing my own will to following His will...changing my heart: breaking me free from bondage...helping me enjoy Him supremely. It's encouraging to me to see His faithfulness to me despite my lack of faith so many times, and it's encouraging to me to see how He's grown me through these years - because I often get frustrated at myself for not being "fully sanctified" now. But it's true - we are all in process, and I am in process.

I've seen family and friends graduate from high school, graduate from college, move to different countries, go to grad school, get married, have kids, watch their kids grow older. It's interesting to see how much can change in 5 years or even in 1 year or even in 1 day.

The thing that I realized throughout this whole reflection is how God has brought amazing people in my life to walk alongside of me through this journey - to love me, encourage me, help me, teach me, laugh with me, cry with me. I have learned so much from the community He has given me about His love and grace, and I know I would not be the person I am today without all of you. I am so thankful for my friends who have become my family as we are all one in Christ. I am thankful for y'all, dear friends.

And now, as I look forward to the next 5 years and the new adventures God has in store for me, I await eagerly and expectantly...trusting in His faithfulness...and even though I don't know where the road will take me, I'll take one step at a time as I surrender my will to His perfect plan.

Happy Resurrection Weekend! Let's celebrate our Risen Savior and Lord! woot! partay!

Recording Sesh.

Had a good recording Sesh last Monday with "Team Glasses" now changing our name to "C is for Cookie." Recorded the song I wrote, "Terraces Will Be Destroyed." We laid down the guitar tracks and the vocal tracks. We still have to add drums and bass. I'll post it once we're done.

If you want to know where I got the name, "Terraces Will Be Destroyed" from, watch this video. I got it from our tour guide at Neot Kedumim Biblical gardens when she was explaining the importance of agriculture in Israel.

I'm currently writing a blurb about Israel for The Steadfast, our school newsletter. I'm looking at pictures and videos from our trip, and it makes me miss Israel. It seems so long ago even though it was only two months ago. It happened so fast, it almost feels like a dream. I can't believe I was in the Holy Land. It still blows my mind. We're having a Talbot chapel dedicated to the Israel trip. I'm excited to remember, reminisce, and share about our trip with the student body and see the Talbot Lands Israel fam.

Guess Who?

So I finally have a little bit of time to blog.

Wow, how is it already March?

This past month has been a whirlwind. So many things happened. And now I am tired.

A sweet highlight for the month: Heading up to Sac-town to visit Yen with Keo, Easter, and Jessica, and spending the weekend at a cabin up in Truckee. It was quite an adventure getting there, but I am so thankful that I got to spend time with those lovely ladies. So refreshing. Snow makes me happy.

I've been camped out in the book of Genesis lately in my Pentateuch class. Good stuff. Thought-provoking. Dysfunctional families everywhere. God's faithfulness everywhere. I actually wrote poems of different characters in the O.T. last semeseter - I actually intended these to be hardcore song lyrics. You can guess who these portraits are supposed to be from:

She dazzled me with her eyes
So bright they stung me.
With a door cracked open she bid me come
In a voice so sweet with her pomegranate lips.
Shut the door.
I will not go near.
Shut the door.
Don't bid me come.
Run to a safe place fom here.
Run away from her.
"Come lay with me."
She steps out and seals my lips with that fatal kiss.
Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm a God-fearing man.
She grabs my coat.
Run. Flee.
I left my favorite jacket at her doorstep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You called me
Even when I was still in the womb.
This is my destiny -
To speak Your words
Because it consumes and burns
From the core of my being.
I have to speak,
or else it'll kill me if don't.
I loved her, but You didn't let me
marry the one who's beauty blinded me.
There's no time for this.
Soon the walls will come tumbling down.
Yes, the walls will come tumbling down.
The pieces of pottery cracked and broken.
The walls came tumbling down.
Judgment day has come.
It's the Day of the Lord.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fire and brimstone came down that day
Because they didn't turn from their wicked ways.
Perversion filled the streets
Worshipping false gods and eating idolatrous meat.
The scale tipped -
And judgment came.
Immorality is not a joke.
Take me away from this God-forsaken place.
I don't want to turn into a pillar of salt
Even if I want an occasional drink.

Songwriting Spree.

So I'm currently on a songwriting spree before school gets too hectic:

I guess I've been inspired by alot lately - by Israel, and by evacuations...

so here's a song I wrote the week I came back from Israel:

Glory to God in the Highest

and I just wrote a song right now about being a stranger on this earth...

i'll upload the video sometime soon...

Hummingbird, So Small, I See You.

So I wrote a song about hummingbirds...hahahah....yeah...i know many of you will probably laugh because I sure did...That's o.k. I don't really take anything too seriously...But I have to admit, I was completely sincere when I wrote this song...I was singing, "His Eye is on the Sparrow" and it made me want to write a song...I think just listening to it now makes me think, "Wow, I can't believe I wrote a song about hummingbirds and threw in some biological trivia in there that I got from wikipedia...hahahah." It's the T coming out of my INTJ self...as i analyze and make fun of myself for allowing myself to feel because i used to make fun of sappy chick flicks as my friends were bawling their eyes out...
but i'm learning how to feel as i understand God's love in greater ways and am overjoyed at His love for me. so it's a good thing- learning how to feel.
quite a change from "terraces will be destroyed." haha...but yeah i guess i'm multi-faceted like that...haha. i generally dislike showing my "feeling" side and try to put up my walls of sarcasm and laughter to show that i have a tough exterior...like singing songs about judgment day...but i guess this song reveals that i do have a heart...

It's funny how I wrote this right before I was evacuated again...making me realize how God cares for me even as I am a transient on this earth. I'm learning the hard way. Praise God, I'm now back at home, but will probably keep my stuff packed for awhile since I don't know when I'll be evacuated again.

here's the video:

there are the lyrics:

Hummingbird, so small, I see you
Reminding me that God's love is true
You fly so fast, I barely see the motion of your wings
A buzzing sound, it's the music that rings.

You fly so freely
In the sky, so dearly
You show me that I am free
Because God sent down His Son for me.
Hummingbird, so small, I see you.

Hummingbird, so small, I see you.
Drinking of the nectar for food,
You drink so much, consuming more than your weight each day.
Constantly going, God provides a way.


~I should probably thank Eufemio for letting me use his ideas for this song since I pretty much stole them...give credit where credit is due...thanks :)

Gotta Just Get Up and Dance!

Today God reminded me of how much I love studying. I was reading "The Case for Progressive Dispenasationalism" by Robert Saucy for my theology class and as I came across the Hebrew words habarit wawhahesed meaning "the covenant of love" I got so excited and overjoyed that I just wanted to get up and dance. So I put some Israel Houghton on and just started dancing - basking in the reality that I am God's child - that I am loved by Him and as I study and dance, He sees me and smiles as a Father takes pleasure in watching His child live in the reality of His love. I know this is God's grace to me because last Monday I really had no desire to go back to school, since I've been so tired and burned out recently from studying so much. I realized that the reason why I was burned out is because I was trying to accomplish and strive in my own intellectual capability, taking pride in myself, instead of relying on the Spirit and just exercising the gifts God has given me. It's such a refreshing experience to have this joy once again, and I'm thankful that God breaks me and puts me together again.

a song I've been singing alot recently that I learned during a Junior High camp.
I feel like this sums up my seminary experience so far quite well:

Invitacion Fountain

Verse 1
All who are weak, all who are weary
Come to the rock, come to the fountain
All who have failed on the rivers of heartache
Come to the sea, come on be set free

Chorus
If you lead me Lord, I will follow
Where You lead me Lord, I will go
Come and heal me Lord, I will follow
Where You lead me Lord I will go
I will go, I will go

Verse 2
All who are weak, all who are weary
Come to the rock, come to the fountain
All who have climbed on the mountains of heartache
Reach to the stars, come on give your life

Verse 3
All who are weak, all who are weary
All who are tired, all who are thirsty
All who have failed, all who are broken
Come to the rock, come to the fountain

Life Lessons from Israel.

Praise God! My house is safe. The evacuation order was lifted a few days ago.
I'm also getting much better, and can now eat meat, which is exciting. Food is so good! I went to Disneyland today with my pastor's family and some friends, and it made me so happy. Now I'm just super tired - but hopefully this will help me finally sleep the whole night through, instead of waking up at 4 am because my body's clock is still off.

Yesterday, I was talking to Keo on the phone and processing with her helped me realize what important lessons I learned from Israel. More than just all the information that I acquired about archaeology or geography, I realized the lessons which I really will take with me were concerning my own brokenness and God's healing power. Sitting in the middle of the wilderness, I realized that in many ways I'm just like an Israelite - seeing God's power and provision time and time again, yet still lacking faith. As I lay on my bed near the Sea of Galilee when I was sick, I meditated on the fact that Jesus came for the sick, not for the healthy - and it was a humbling experience thinking about this while not being able to control my bowel movements. God broke me in many ways - helping me not to rely on my own physical strength, intellect, or academic ability. I experienced a range of emotions during this trip from extreme joy to extreme sadness and I learned what it means to be honest with God through all these emotions. So many lessons which I'll continue to learn through my lifetime.

Terraces Will Be Destroyed

I recorded a video of the song I wrote, that I mentioned in an earlier post...
I wrote it the week before I left for Israel, but named it in Israel, called "Terraces Will Be Destroyed."
I posted it on facebook here...

Landslides Don't Wait for Anyone.

It's weird to think that just last week, I was in Israel, and now I'm sitting in my brother's apartment, because I had to evacuate my house due to the potential threat of landslides. This has been the second evacuation I've had to undergo within a year - first with fires, now with landslides. It just makes me realize that there's no permanency in my earthly home. It's interesting because the night before they called me to evacuate I was worrying about the grade that I got in my Israel class - since I know I didn't do very well. Then there's this evacuation - reminding me there are bigger things to be worried about...

It's been a crazy week - being sick with the stomach flu, and then having to evacuate - what a crazy time of testing for me. I know God is refining me through this, but I can't deny the fear I feel. I already have a tendency to worry even without sickness or natural disaster looming over me, but with these things, my worry is intensified - and in these moments, the only thing I can do is cry out to God. I watched the first two Lord of the Rings movies to get my mind off of things - but I know I inevitably have to face these fears that I carry, especially during the times when I wake up in the middle of the night due to jet-lag.

Lauren gave me a mixtape of songs called "Sangalang's Singalong," which is amazing and I've been constantly listening to it. One of the reasons why we got along so well roomming together - she has a fabulous taste in music, movies, and clothing. There's one song in particular which I really like by Sufjan Stevens called, "Oh God, Where Are You Now?" and I can identify with right now...I was listening to it when I was passed out on my bed in Israel, especially the first day I was sick. You can watch it on You Tube - there are cool images that go along with the music...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqbAy_QVc8k

Here are the lyrics:

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh Lord, hold me now.
There's no other man who could raise the dead
So do what you can to anoint my head

Oh God, where are you now?
Oh Lord, say somehow
The devil is hard on my face again
The world is a hundred to one again

Would the righteous still remain?
Would my body stay the same?

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh God, touch me now.
There's no other man who could save the dead.
There's no other God to place our head.

Would the righteous still remain?
Would my body stay the same?

There's no other man who could raise the dead.
So do what you can to anoint my head.

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh Lord, touch me now.

I like this song because it makes me think of Habakkuk. I like Habakkuk.

There's No Place Like Home.

It's good to be home.

I didn't have internet access for awhile so I wasn't able to update all the adventures, and the last few days I've been sick with the stomach flu. I've pretty much been lying in bed in close proximity to a restroom readily available. Praise God that I was able to get through the 16 hr. plane ride. I'm sad I missed out travelling the past few days and all the fun farewell festivities, but the trip was still great despite getting sick. I was looking at my pictures, and the trip was totally worth it.

I have so much to process, but right now, I'm still feeling pretty weak since I haven't really been eating much the past few days other than bread, crackers, and bananas. I'll probably be sleeping away the next week. Please keep me in your prayers, and call me just to make sure I'm still alive and kicking, since my parents are in the Philippines, and I'm home alone right now. Thanks friends.

Floating in the Dead Sea and Crawling into Qumran Caves

Yay for adventures! I love adventures :)

Yesterday, we hiked up Mt. Sinai (or more techincally, Jebel Musa, where Mt. Sinai is thought to be, but scholars are not quite sure). It was an intense hike, 7,500 ft. elevation - around 4,000 stairs, but it was so worth it being on that mountain where God descended to talk to Moses and give His law to His people. We came down, and it grew dark during our descent. I was walking with Susy and Eufemio, and Susy said to look up. The sky was so beautiful filled with bright-shining stars - it was the best sight of stars I've ever seen. So pretty and magnificent. While Eufemio was taking a picture, I started singing all the songs I knew with the word star in it - even "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." haha.

Today was an exciting day. We went up the mountain in Masada - I actually took a cable car because I was too sore too hike up the mountain, since yesterday we hiked up Mt. Sinai. It was a great view - both places.

Then, we went to En-Gedi, saw some sweet waterfalls, ibex - which are deer-like animals, and rock badgers. Todd read Psalm 42 and Psalm 63 - two of my favorite Psalms - about the longing of the psalmist' soul after God like a how an ibex longs for water - and how his soul longs for God in a dry land. Seeing the dry land around me, and then the cool streams of water in the midst of them, these passages have taken on a whole new meaning for me. This is how my soul needs to long for God - the way I longed so much for water today because I was thirsty and coughing - that I actually payed $5 for a bottle of Evian water. (haha, yes, it was an impulse buy, but I really needed water and didn't really look at the prices. ack.)

After En-Gedi, we went floating in the Dead Sea! It really was an amazing experience - just getting in the water, laying back, and floating without exerting any effort. So crazy! It was so much fun. We put some of the mud on our skin, and our skin came out so soft and smooth - like a baby's bottom. haha.

Because Todd is so cool, he took us to see Qumran Cave #1 - a place which is not on any map, and only a handful of people know it's location. It was a steep climb - a bit treacherous - but we made it - just got a couple of cuts on my hand along the way - but again, so worth it. The Qumran Caves are where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found. So cool.

Today was a sweet day of adventures! Yay!

But we have a quiz tomorrow which I haven't studied for at all, and right now I feel like I smell like mud and sweat and salt - shower power.

Frolicking in the Meadows of the Shephelah.

Yesterday: 1 day, 2 emotional extremes:
In the morning, I went back to the southern steps of the Temple Mount and meditated on the Psalm of Ascents, singing praises to God, and reflecting on how amazing it would've been to go up each step, getting closer to the presence of God as He dwelt in His temple. It was a refreshing time, and when I got to the top, I felt extreme joy that I was redeemed by the blood of the Lamb and that now I can approach God freely through Jesus Christ as my Mediator.

In the afternoon, we went to Yad ve Shem, which is a museum on the Holocaust. Just walking in and seeing the pictures and videos of so many people who died during this horrible atrocity was heart-wrenching for me. I walked through this museum, and just felt such deep sadness. As I walked, I dialogued with God - lamenting and not understanding why tragedies like this happen.

It's interesting how I can feel such differing emotions in one day.

Today we left Jerusalem and headed southwest for the region of the Shephelah. We went to the cities of Gezer, Beth-Shemesh, Azekah, and Lachish - places where many battles between the Israelites and Philistines took place. Samson's story takes place in this region, and David and Goliath also have their showdown in this region - the Elah valley. It was fun reading these stories and picturing them take place in these hills and valleys right before my eyes. I also had fun re-enacting these stories as I posed as David with the rock. We also took many jumping pictures which was alot of fun.

My favorite part of today was being an explorer and going on an adventure with our tour guide, Todd, to a place which has just been recently excavated - Qeiyata, in between Socoh and Azekah, where the story of David and Goliath could've taken place. We frolicked through green meadows and climbed up steep hills, seeing ancient ruins of gates and towers - a fantastic experience. I love adventures.

I've been trying to upload pictures, but the internet here is not very fast, and disconnects frequently, so I probably won't be able to upload the pictures until I get back, unless I find internet that works better in another hotel.

Please pray for our group - there are many who are sick and not feeling well. I'm also starting to get slightly sick - with a sore throat today. Thanks.

New Year's in Israel.

Happy New Year!

These past few days have been amazing. Yesterday, we spent the morning at the Temple Mount, seeing the Western Wall, the Dome of the Rock, and Herodian architecture. It's so mindblowing to think that this was the place where the Temple once was stood. This was the place where God's Shekainah glory once dwelt - the actual manifestation of His presence. Wow.

Something that really struck me yesterday was reading the Psalm of Ascents while sitting on the steps leading to the Temple Mount. The Psalm of Ascents are found in Psalm 120-134. A worshipper of Yahweh would read one of these psalms as they approached the temple to offer a sacrifice to Yahweh. As he read, sang, and prayed these psalms, he would look up and be reminded of the greatness and mercy of Yahweh, and his own sin in light of God's goodness, and his need of God's mercy. I really love the psalms, and as our tour guide was talking about this process of worshippers preparing their hearts before offering a sacrifice to God, I realized my own need to prepare my heart before gathering for corporate worship.

Often times, I'm thinking about so many things before and during church - thinking about what music we're playing for the service, thinking about what I need to do for choir, thinking about things I need to do in general - that even though I am gathered in corporate worship, my heart is not even in it. I am learning alot about the way the Israelites intentionally prepared their heart for worship, and I need to do the same when I come to God, so that my heart would be focused on Him.

Today, we went to the Central Benjamin Plateau, Samaria, and Jericho seeing the locations of ancient cities where the Patriarchs walked, where the Israelites fought battles against their enemies, where so much Biblical history happened, seeing how God triumphs. Seeing all these different ruins made me think about a song that I actually wrote before going on the trip. Honestly, I wrote this song after Nate and Kyle wrote their song, and I felt inspired to write since they wrote a song. haha. But pretty much, most of the stuff that I'd been meditating on this past semester just spilled out of this song. After studying the prophets and seeing the judgment of God, and being evacuated from fires - the themes of judgment and fires have been in my thoughts. Now that I actually see the ruins of these judgments, it all seems to be coming full circle for me. So I leave you with the lyrics:

Chorus
Run, run from the destruction of the city
'Cause fire consumes both the living and the dead.
Flee, fast, far away from here
The flood will wash us away.

Look outside tonight
The sky shines bright
It blinds my eyes.
Don't stay in tonight.
The creepers will bite
There's no good-byes.

Chorus

Hold on tight
Run with all your might
There's so much to fear.
Don't look back
At the angry attack
Let's get out of here.

Chorus

After the fire is over,
We'll go back and see
The land that's laid to waste.
We'll dance in the moonlight
In the remains of the ruins
Of a faraway place.

Let's waltz on the rooftop,
Let's swing on the doorstep
That's no longer here.
There's no picket fences,
No nicely-trimmed lawns,
Only memories we held dear.

Chorus

I recorded a rough version of this, but Team Glasses will be coming out with a real demo after I get back from Israel. Ask me for it if you're interested.

Thanks for reading! Love you all!