I start my first ever full-time job this week. I guess I'm growing up.
After 21 years being a student (with 8 years of higher education), it feels strange to not be in school anymore. While I'm still working on a college campus and still feel the excitement of the start of a new school year, it is a foreign feeling not having to go to class. Being a student has been part of my identity for such a long time, that it's quite a transition not having the comfort of being in a classroom. I think about how I can continue to learn, grow, and study on my own - and actually now have the freedom to read what I want. It's a pretty exciting thing.
It's also strange not being on Talbot A.S., and having all of those responsibilities, after being on it for the past 3 years. I'm thankful for the rest of not being on the team anymore, and now have the energy to pursue my own social activities (like going to 10 concerts this summer), but I do miss it. That team provided such great community for me, and I learned so much through it. This awkward, introverted, shy girl blossomed into a more sociable person through the love and support of that team. I actually like being with people now.
It was my last week working in Graduate Admissions last week after two years of working part-time there, and I am so thankful for the people in that department who have encouraged me in such amazing ways. They believed and empowered me, especially during a time where I really doubted myself and my own capabilities. As we joke and call the communal cubicle space that I worked in, the "communal nest," as cliche as it sounds, I felt like I was this baby bird with a broken wing when I started working there, and that place was a place of healing and growth for me. I will greatly miss working in that department.
As I think about where God has me in the present, I look at how it's so unexpected. I never thought I would be at Biola this long, let alone be working in the Purchasing department. It's mysterious the way my journey has unfolded, and I see how God's been so gracious in leading me just one step at a time. While I've always had these grand visions and long-term plans for myself, God's always just shows me the next step. Sometimes I get frustrated not knowing the future, but I do see how it is God's grace to me in just showing me one step, because I know I would be overwhelmed if I saw His whole plan. And I guess this is where the beauty of surrender lies. I'm still learning what it means to be open-handed in this process.
I do have a desire to write a part 2 of my thesis one day to focus on the healing part of shame (hopefully as a doctoral dissertation or maybe a book), but I don't really know how that's going to pan out, so I'll hold it as open-handed as I can, and just take it one step at a time.
