Being One of Many.

My friend, Yen, sent this article to me today:

Asian American Teenage Girls Have Highest Rates of Depression; NAMI Releases Report

When I read this article, it made me sad, but I wasn't surprised. I think I've heard these statistics before, and unfortunately, it makes sense to me. Asian-American teenage girls have great pressures to succeed and to hide the reality of their struggles from others, and when we hide, we can't get help, so the struggle worsens. Living in a bi-cultural reality, it's hard to navigate between two, sometimes seemingly, diametrically-opposed cultures. Putting on faces of looking put together on the outside, it's easy to hide the reality of the deadness that is felt inside. It makes alot of sense to me why this statistic is so high - probably because I am one of them.

I am one of these Asian-American girls who has excelled in school and in many other areas of life, who knows how to please people, and knows how to put on an exterior of looking put together on the outside.

I've struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide, and no one would've ever guessed it.

It's easy to hide under my smiling face.

The Lord is good to me, in providing a good community around me to love on me, and to be real with. I am thankful for my sisters and brothers who I can share my struggle with and know that I am loved, and know that I am held. I am thankful that there are people around me who will fight this battle with me - that I am not alone. And as they remind me of who I am in Christ - that I can find freedom in Him, I feel the bondage being broken. I know there is power in Christ's victory, because I have experienced victory over these thoughts by His grace. I am so grateful for my friends who have walked with me through the struggle and pain, who have prayed for me, who have held me. And I believe that a large reason why I am growing in this freedom in Christ is because of this safe community who loves me through it.

So why do I share this on a public forum? Because I'm realizing that God has shown me His love, grace, and freedom in so many ways, and that I want to help others along this journey towards freedom. I want others who struggle with this know that they are not alone in it, that I am one who struggles with you. I want others to see that there is freedom and hope in Christ, especially in times when it feels so hopeless. There is always hope.

Gazing on Beauty.

"Gazing on Beauty" was the theme of our women's retreat this past weekend. It truly was an amazing weekend full of beauty and loveliness. From the beautiful location of Hilltop with the snow, delicious food, good conversations as we listened to each other's stories, and sweet fellowship with the sisters - praising God and seeing His goodness in nature and in each other, and praying for one another, playing in the snow; and spending sweet, quiet moments with the Lord - it was so refreshing. I love my sisters at Talbot. They are amazing, godly women who help me see how great God is, the depth of Jesus' love for me, and are so sensitive to His Spirit - reminding me of the truth of who I am as a daughter of the King, a child of my Abba, carrying me through hard times.

I read Out of Solitude by Henry Nouwen while I was there. I really love that guy. Here is a quote that I really liked from that book:

"To wait patiently, therefore, means to allow our weeping and wailing to become the purifying preparation by which we are made ready to receive the joy which is promised to us."

The waiting is hard - but without the pain of the waiting, we couldn't experience the depth of joy that awaits us. So all the pain is worth it, because even in the pain, the Lord meets me there with His comfort and love, and I find so much joy as I know that He is holding me and giving me hope.

I got accepted into the Institute of Spiritual Formation at Talbot this semester. Although I am excited about the journey that awaits me, I also am nervous of the intensity of this program. I also sometimes wonder what I'm doing pursuing another master's degree - because I know this will be more time, money, and energy. This weekend was God's grace to me in showing me that I am in the right place, on the right track, and that the work of His Spirit in my life and others' lives is exciting - and I will get to see the great way His Spirit works in me and in other people's lives through this program. I know that He will provide for me.

The Comfort of a Clean Room.

I finally cleaned my room today. After coming home from the Philippines, my room has been a mess of luggage and pasalubong everywhere. I am thankful to be home. Traveling around the Philippines has made me realize how much of a homebody I am and how I love just being inside the comfort of my apartment. It's been busy since coming back with the start of school - with classes and A.S. events, and now a part-time job with Graduate Admissions at Biola. I really do live at Biola - spending all the time I do on campus. But I really do love it there. It's a great place and I always feel a sense of peace when I walk around campus and look at the tree blossoms which are blooming, ushering in a sense that spring is near...I took the above picture with my camera phone near the Talbot building because I saw it and thought

it was pretty...haha

And I love the people at Biola - the whole community of students, faculty, and staff are amazing - so many godly people. They give me hope :)

Here is a picture from my Romans class last semester with me and Dr. Russell (courtesy of Michael Park)...I think that has been my favorite class so far...(probably because I felt so much joy that I wanted to dance while writing my Romans 8 paper)

Because I'm on campus all the time, when I do get to go home to my apartment, it is such a great comfort. I love being home. And I love my roommates :)

There is something comforting about a clean and organized room to me- where things are in their place, and there is a sense of order instead of chaos. Perhaps, even through cleaning, in creating a sense of order, we are imitating an attribute of God as He is a God of order. He is stable and unchanging, bringing a sense of calm, peace, and security. He made the world and created order out of nothing. He brings order and peace to my often wavering and chaotic heart.

I am thankful for the peace He gives, and even in the busyness, I know that He gives me His shalom.