It was a year ago that the foundations I had been building of my own good works and my own merits fell crashing down - all built on the sand of my own efforts. Even though I knew all the right answers about God's love and grace in my head, I saw the huge disconnect between the knowledge I knew intellectually and my actual experience. Through the pain of facing my own fear, anger, anxiety, doubt, shame, and guilt, I saw how messed up I really was.
And I was left broken, unable to fix myself, doubting who I was, doubting God and His goodness.
And being in that broken place grieved me because I hated seeing the reality of who I was.
And yet, it was in this broken place, in this place where I realized I could not fix myself, that God met me in great and profound ways.
It was here that He showed me His love was unconditional...that I did not have to do anything to earn His love, that I couldn't even be capable of doing anything to receive His love because I was so broken and messed up.
It was here that He held me, when no one else could. Through my tears and all the emotions, He held me.
In His gentleness, He never judged me or condemned me, but in His love, drew me to Him - to His loving arms.
And I'm still in the process of healing, and He continues to meet me where I'm at...and for this, I'm thankful.
So yes, I would go through this past year again, even through the pain of it all, because it was in this pain that God's love was made real to me.
And now, I know that God is good, not just intellectually, but in a deeper, experiential way.
God is good and His lovingkindness endures forever.
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