My Thesis Adventure Begins.

Tonight I started reading Growing Healthy Asian American Churches, edited by Peter Cha, Steve Kang, and Helen Lee. This was one of the books that Ben Shin had in the syllabus for the Asian American Church in Society Class that I audited last spring. I finally have a chance to do the reading, and now that I’m starting to do research for my Master’s thesis, I figured it would be a good time to read this book.

It’s only been a week since I’ve been processing the decision to stay in the M.A. emphasis in Spiritual Formation, and to do the thesis, instead of switching to the M.A. Soul Care Program, which I had been contemplating for awhile. After talking to different people, I realized that I really do enjoy research and writing, and that doing the thesis would be a good fit for me. Plus, I get to finish this spring, and while I love Biola, I am getting that itch to travel and to go somewhere new. The thesis would also provide me with a writing sample if I want to continue on to Ph.D. studies.

I've been interested in Asian-American Spiritual Formation, and more specifically, how the shame-based culture affects our view and relationship with God. I was reading the first chapter, on Grace-Filled Households by Nancy Sugikawa and Steve Wong, and as I started reading the different stories and how shame permeates the Asian-American church, I started crying, and then interceding on behalf of the Asian-American church. I felt the pain and the burden that the weight of this shame holds, and how it is hard for us to receive grace and the abundance of the Father. I know this pain and burden because I’ve carried the shame of living with depression for the past decade. Yet, I also see how God’s love has been giving me greater freedom, and how exposing the darkness in my own life to God and to others, and allowing God’s light and love to shine and heal those places, I’ve experienced such great freedom and joy. And I want this freedom for the Asian-American church. I want people to truly experience God’s love and freedom, the way I’ve experienced His love and freedom. I want people to come out of hiding into His marvelous light. And I’m one of those people. I’m still on this journey towards healing and freedom, and there are still many places where I need to receive the Lord’s grace. But OH! How different I am from that girl who entered seminary 5 years ago! Oh, how much God has brought such grace, healing, and freedom! I started singing worship songs to the Lord, such as “Freedom Reigns,” “Blessed,” “My Redeemer’s Love,” “Your Love is Extravagant.” Oh, how sweet it is to sing to the Lord!

Since I wasn’t expecting to write a thesis, I hadn’t really thought about thesis-writing before, and yesterday, as I was thinking about it, I was getting very anxious, thinking about the amount of research and writing I would have to do on top of other school work, A.S., and work, and I was getting really stressed out. I was at work, and Annalyssa was kind enough to give me a neck massage. And then I prayed, and told the Lord about my anxiety, and I felt like he was saying to just take one day, one step at a time, and to just be who I am, and enjoy this process, and that He would take care of the rest. I like research and writing. Some of the most joyful moments of my life have been during writing papers, when the Lord would just remind me of His love, and I would just want to start dancing.

There's that quote by Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire that everyone always quotes,
"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. 
And when I run I feel his pleasure."

In the same way, I feel that when I write, I feel His pleasure.
And again, I'm reminded that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Lord, I ask that you'd use me as a vessel, as a mouthpiece, for your love and freedom.
I ask for your mercy and grace in this process of writing.
I need your strength and endurance. 
I need You. 

And after this experience, I realize that I really do need to pace myself and give myself space if this is what is going to happen to me when I just read a few pages of a book ;P

And please pray with/for me as I start this endeavor. Thanks! :)