Restoring the Shamed.

I'm currently reading this book for my thesis: Restoring the Shamed: Towards a Theology of Shame by Robin Stockitt. It's the most thorough Biblical and theological exploration of shame that I've read so far, and it's really readable. I like it alot.

I started crying when I read this part about Christ's crucifixion:

“At each stage of his arrest, trial, and execution Jesus is ritually, intentionally, and sadistically shamed, and with each succeeding humiliating incident he absorbs it and inverts its meaning...His death on the cross was the product of powerful political and spiritual forces ranged against him yet he chose freely to enter that place of shame. The decision was entirely his and in so doing he displayed a dignity that could never finally be removed from him. Shame is turned repeatedly into honor and this is how he “shamed shame” for us. The combination of shaming events is presented by the Gospel writers to illustrate the depths to which Christ was shamed on our behalf. In so doing Christ’s actions draw a deep resonance from deep within all those who have ever entered into their own shamed condition.

That personal journey of exploration is, for many, almost too painful and dark to endure. Shame resides in the primal, existential part of us that is unutterable in its intensity. It expresses itself at times in the simple but tortured cry from the heart: Not good enough! It is the experience of sensing that we are not good enough to merit the exuberant grace of God and that maybe we are also good enough to simply belong to human society and find a place of dignity. It is a truly desperate disease of the soul. If the atonement is only framed in judicial terms, with a declaration of “innocence” being pronounced upon those who put their trust in Christ, then I fear that the intensity of the shame experience will remain untouched. If the story of Jesus is retold, however, in terms of the one who deliberately, intentionally, purposefully seeks out all those who have been shamed – as well as those who have been the instigators of shame – then the narrative takes on a far deeper, more personal, more transforming hue. It is that Christ who not only understands our shamed condition but who has himself entered into the depths of shame for us. He has lowered himself down to the bottom of that poisoned well and drunk it dry” (140).

This thesis-writing process has definitely been a whole head-and-heart experience, and not just an academic endeavor. It is painful entering into feeling these deep places of shame, but I am comforted in knowing that Christ is with me, right here. He knows and understands these feelings of shame, entering this shame and taking it upon Himself, and He loves me here, and gently tells me to receive His love and grace. I think this Lenten season will be quite an experience for me, in contemplating the Cross, and Christ's great love for me. 

Currently listening to: Lent by The Brilliance. 

The Road Ahead

A prayer that I have been reflecting on from Vocation class, which has been comforting to me as I approach graduation:

The Road Ahead by Thomas Merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I am following 

your will does not mean

that I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please you

does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this,

you will lead me by the right road ahead though 

I may know nothing about it

Therefore, will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, 

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Little Eyes.

If you haven't already seen it all over my facebook, my nephew, Jackson Alexander Delacruz Sangalang (JAx for short) was born on November 14, 2012. He is the cutest baby ever! I already love him so much :) Being an auntie is great.

I wrote a lullaby for the occasion of his birth. It's pretty cheesy,  but I just wanted to commemorate this joyous occasion with a song. I sang it to him yesterday with Team Glasses, and he fell asleep, so I guess that's a good sign, since that's the purpose of lullabies. It's been fun jammin' with Team Glasses again, since it's been awhile since we've played music together.

Little Eyes
Little eyes to see the world
Open up to the universe.
Little hands to reach out
And touch the sky.
Little mouth to scream and shout
Tell the world you're here!
Baby JAx, Baby JAx, you're here.

We're so glad, we're so glad!
You've brought so much joy to our hearts!
How could we know
Such a tiny little nose,
Would make such room in our hearts?
Baby JAx, Baby JAx, life now starts.

My Thesis Adventure Begins.

Tonight I started reading Growing Healthy Asian American Churches, edited by Peter Cha, Steve Kang, and Helen Lee. This was one of the books that Ben Shin had in the syllabus for the Asian American Church in Society Class that I audited last spring. I finally have a chance to do the reading, and now that I’m starting to do research for my Master’s thesis, I figured it would be a good time to read this book.

It’s only been a week since I’ve been processing the decision to stay in the M.A. emphasis in Spiritual Formation, and to do the thesis, instead of switching to the M.A. Soul Care Program, which I had been contemplating for awhile. After talking to different people, I realized that I really do enjoy research and writing, and that doing the thesis would be a good fit for me. Plus, I get to finish this spring, and while I love Biola, I am getting that itch to travel and to go somewhere new. The thesis would also provide me with a writing sample if I want to continue on to Ph.D. studies.

I've been interested in Asian-American Spiritual Formation, and more specifically, how the shame-based culture affects our view and relationship with God. I was reading the first chapter, on Grace-Filled Households by Nancy Sugikawa and Steve Wong, and as I started reading the different stories and how shame permeates the Asian-American church, I started crying, and then interceding on behalf of the Asian-American church. I felt the pain and the burden that the weight of this shame holds, and how it is hard for us to receive grace and the abundance of the Father. I know this pain and burden because I’ve carried the shame of living with depression for the past decade. Yet, I also see how God’s love has been giving me greater freedom, and how exposing the darkness in my own life to God and to others, and allowing God’s light and love to shine and heal those places, I’ve experienced such great freedom and joy. And I want this freedom for the Asian-American church. I want people to truly experience God’s love and freedom, the way I’ve experienced His love and freedom. I want people to come out of hiding into His marvelous light. And I’m one of those people. I’m still on this journey towards healing and freedom, and there are still many places where I need to receive the Lord’s grace. But OH! How different I am from that girl who entered seminary 5 years ago! Oh, how much God has brought such grace, healing, and freedom! I started singing worship songs to the Lord, such as “Freedom Reigns,” “Blessed,” “My Redeemer’s Love,” “Your Love is Extravagant.” Oh, how sweet it is to sing to the Lord!

Since I wasn’t expecting to write a thesis, I hadn’t really thought about thesis-writing before, and yesterday, as I was thinking about it, I was getting very anxious, thinking about the amount of research and writing I would have to do on top of other school work, A.S., and work, and I was getting really stressed out. I was at work, and Annalyssa was kind enough to give me a neck massage. And then I prayed, and told the Lord about my anxiety, and I felt like he was saying to just take one day, one step at a time, and to just be who I am, and enjoy this process, and that He would take care of the rest. I like research and writing. Some of the most joyful moments of my life have been during writing papers, when the Lord would just remind me of His love, and I would just want to start dancing.

There's that quote by Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire that everyone always quotes,
"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. 
And when I run I feel his pleasure."

In the same way, I feel that when I write, I feel His pleasure.
And again, I'm reminded that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Lord, I ask that you'd use me as a vessel, as a mouthpiece, for your love and freedom.
I ask for your mercy and grace in this process of writing.
I need your strength and endurance. 
I need You. 

And after this experience, I realize that I really do need to pace myself and give myself space if this is what is going to happen to me when I just read a few pages of a book ;P

And please pray with/for me as I start this endeavor. Thanks! :)

Jammin' with Jane

So I've been jammin' with Jane lately. It's been a lot of fun :)

She is pretty cool and is a Christian Apologist with Ratio Christi.
Ratio Christi (Latin for ‘The Reason of Christ’) is a global movement that equips university students and faculty to give historical, philosophical, and scientific reasons for following Jesus Christ. Bringing together faith and reason in order to establish the intellectual voice of Christ in the University, Ratio Christi is placing Christian apologetics clubs at universities around the world. We unashamedly defend the veracity of God, the Bible, and Christ’s resurrection and engage in the battle for the mind. 

Here are a couple videos from our latest jam sesh:

My Redeemer's Love cover 

(Sorry about the blurriness) 

You Came 

An O.G. (Original Grace) Composition

Harana.

I came across a website today about a documentary called Harana.

The Philippine form of courtship known as Harana (translated as serenade) where a man pursued a woman by singing underneath her window at night seems so much more romantic than modern-day methods of dating.

I want to see this documentary.

Sigh, one day, I would like to be harana'd by the right guy.

I guess I am much more of a hopeless romantic than I care to admit ;P , or perhaps just an old soul, longing for those good ol' days.

Picture from http://www.filamako.com/2010/02/harana-courtship-filipino-style/

Reveling in a Field of Flowers.

There are so many things I feel like I need to write about and update.

Some highlights from the past couple of weeks:

April 27 - Talbot Spring Banquet. 'Twas such a fun night. I love our team. They all did such a great job. I'm so thankful for all the gifts and talents that each one brings, and seeing everyone work together. Although there was alot to be done, I truly felt a freedom that I'd never felt before - a sense of being comfortable in my own skin in this community, even in front of a room of 150 people. I really enjoyed singing and playing the violin with Michael and Crystal, and leading others in worship. It was such a privilege, and even though I was initially nervous, during the actual time, I felt the Lord's presence in that room. It was such a sweet moment being able to worship together with the Talbot community.
It has been such a great blessing and encouragement to have the opportunity to live life with them this past year. They are truly a family to me. I will greatly miss this team next year.

Last weekend right after Spring Banquet, I went on a 48-hour retreat in Santa Barbara. So refreshing. Reveled in nature, and in the love of God. My retreat partner, Kat, planned a retreat for me that consisted of reveling in the banquet that the Lord has for me, and being cared for by Him.  The retreat center was up in the mountains, overlooking the ocean. So lovely. 

This past weekend, I just went to  the Asian Pacific Islander Women's Leadership Conference with Dr. Sheryl Silzer and Noelle. Dr. Silzer co-teaches the Asian Church in American Society class with Professor Ben Shin at Talbot which I'm currently auditing. It is such a great class! She wrote a book called, Biblical Multicultural Teams and she does workshops all over the world for missions teams on cross-cultural communication. I loved having the opportunity to spend time with her and Noelle and hearing her life story.

I also met alot of other really amazing API women. I feel encouraged and affirmed in where God has me now and in the path that He is drawing me to in taking spiritual formation to the Asian-American community, more specifically, to the Filipino-American community. It is so good to connect with other women who love the Lord and are leaders in their respective communities, and to see some familiar faces, like seeing and hearing Vivian Mabuni. It's exciting to meet others who are interested in these issues of faith, culture, and gender - how they all relate to each other and intersect. I loved being able to talk to other Fil-Am women about the ways our culture affects our spirituality as a community, and how we can find freedom from the strongholds that keep us tied down to the lies of the enemy, from believing that we are God's beloved children.  One of these ladies - Ella deCastro Baron, a Fil-Am author and poet, of Itchy Brown Girl Seeks Employment shared some of her poetry with us, and I had a chance to talk to her about where some of the roots of those strongholds come from. Since the Filipino people have been dominated by so many others in their history, there is a lack of a sense of having our own identity, and there are feelings of being subjugated and inferior that permeate the culture. There are deep roots of a sense of being orphans and fatherless, which can keep us from embracing who we are as children of God, and feeling the nearness of God as our Father.

I got prayed over on Saturday by a woman I had never met before, and she spoke words of freedom over me that were so powerful. I didn't even say anything about myself or what what I needed prayer for. We just sat in silence and then she saw a picture of me sitting in a field of flowers, just enjoying them with Jesus, and then gave me Luke 2:27-31:

²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ²⁸ But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! ²⁹ And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. ³⁰ For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.³¹ Instead, seek his^[e] kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

I envision this field that I sat in during my retreat. It was such a gift and nourishing to my soul:

It's exactly what I needed to hear, especially after feeling anxiety about my future and also seeing some old burdens that I still carry. I know the Lord is inviting me to revel with Him in that field of flowers. He is leading me on to this journey of freedom, and reminds me that it is a process, and that there are these places of rest along the journey.

I love how the Lord works - how He speaks through people, and knows exactly what I need.

Thank You, Lord for Your mercy and love.

This journey to freedom hasn't been easy - it has been painful and difficult at times. Even right now as I write a paper for ISF, I find myself writing and crying as I face the brokeness in my life and history. (A reason I'm writing this blog post is one of the ways I'm taking a break from the heaviness of writing that paper...a.k.a. perhaps, a method of procrastination.) After this conference, I'm realizing that this is much bigger than myself - that this invitation to freedom is not just for me, but for my whole community. Come, Lord Jesus, Come. Set us free.