The Comfort of a Clean Room.

I finally cleaned my room today. After coming home from the Philippines, my room has been a mess of luggage and pasalubong everywhere. I am thankful to be home. Traveling around the Philippines has made me realize how much of a homebody I am and how I love just being inside the comfort of my apartment. It's been busy since coming back with the start of school - with classes and A.S. events, and now a part-time job with Graduate Admissions at Biola. I really do live at Biola - spending all the time I do on campus. But I really do love it there. It's a great place and I always feel a sense of peace when I walk around campus and look at the tree blossoms which are blooming, ushering in a sense that spring is near...I took the above picture with my camera phone near the Talbot building because I saw it and thought

it was pretty...haha

And I love the people at Biola - the whole community of students, faculty, and staff are amazing - so many godly people. They give me hope :)

Here is a picture from my Romans class last semester with me and Dr. Russell (courtesy of Michael Park)...I think that has been my favorite class so far...(probably because I felt so much joy that I wanted to dance while writing my Romans 8 paper)

Because I'm on campus all the time, when I do get to go home to my apartment, it is such a great comfort. I love being home. And I love my roommates :)

There is something comforting about a clean and organized room to me- where things are in their place, and there is a sense of order instead of chaos. Perhaps, even through cleaning, in creating a sense of order, we are imitating an attribute of God as He is a God of order. He is stable and unchanging, bringing a sense of calm, peace, and security. He made the world and created order out of nothing. He brings order and peace to my often wavering and chaotic heart.

I am thankful for the peace He gives, and even in the busyness, I know that He gives me His shalom.

In the Motherland Again.

It's always nice going to the Philippines - spending time with my family, eating the delicious food, seeing the different sites, experiencing the slow, relaxed pace of provincial life, watching the farm animals in our backyard, enjoying the papayas and bananas from our trees in the backyard, looking at the beautiful ceiling of our "Filipino White House," watching the children play in the middle of the street, riding jipneys and tricycles, pondering under a coconut tree, singing and dancing, seeing the rainforest and jungles and mountains and rice plantations, and bahay kubos, eating with my hands, shopping at the megamalls for clothes and shoes that actually fit me, experiencing the richness and depth and variety of culture here...

it's masaya.

a nice bakasyon. a good break from studying.

but there's no place like home...and i think the more time i spend here, the more i realize that the U.S. is my home.

On Discipline.

(Photo courtesy of Wade Chan)

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

Often times, I don't always see the good that is in the world or in people or even in myself. I'm so focused on the broken parts, that it's hard to see the good parts. Yet, as I enter into this new era of grace in my life - learning how to be more patient with myself and others of being in process, I'm learning to see the blessings that God has given me - the good parts of myself and others. I am thankful for the ways that my parents raised me to be hard-working and disciplined growing up as a child. I studied hard and learned how to manage my time at a young age - and developed a love for reading and learning. My parents instilled in me a value for education and the value of pursuing higher education - and for this I am thankful. I think that's why I'm the nerd that I am and why I love studying, learning, and reading. (It's honestly ironic that I write this post in the middle of finals week, where I am losing motivation to really do anything, but I guess this is why I need to write it.) Since I played piano and violin, and was highly involved in church - I had to learn to not waste time and value every second of it in high school. I think this is the reason why I might not struggle as much in school as others around me, even in graduate school - and for this I am thankful and know that it is an evidence of God's grace in my life. I know He is the One who empowers me to study, and has given me this passion for learning and for education.

After studying the Pastoral Epistles this past semester and seeing how much Paul encourages Timothy to be disciplined - like a soldier, an athlete, or a hard-working farmer (2 Timothy 2) - to be disciplined towards godliness, I am reaping the fruits of the habits of discipline that I have developed even at a young age. Even at a young age, I know that God was working in my life to help me pursue this virtue of discipline. Even if I didn't know it, the Holy Spirit was there, helping me as a young high school student who wanted to pursue excellence. I did have a genuine desire to pursue excellence for God and to make the most out of the opportunity that my parents had given me - being a second generation Filipino-American - and perhaps, this is what motivates me to continue studying, even during finals - when I feel tired and weary, and the 18 years of studying without taking a break is finally catching up to me. In these times, I remember God's grace to me in the past, the privilege He has given me to even be able to study something I love - Him and His Word, and the hope to the future of going deeper in the depths of the knowledge of God and helping others see and savor Him more and more by eventually teaching at the university or seminary level...

So I press on...

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

The other day, I went to my classmates' church, and it was truly a joy seeing the guys who I study with actively ministering to others in their churches. It's just so strange and interesting to see these guys who are just normal dudes in my classes as pastors and teachers, and leaders of churches. It truly is a privilege to be studying with them, and seeing how God is using them for His Kingdom work and His glory. Now as I look around and see my classmates, I see not only them, but also the group of people they minister to - and as each one is being equipped during this time in seminary - they are also representing a group who they will be equipping, and then those others who that group will be equipping...this is really exciting to me...

I believe God is going to do powerful things in this generation and the next generation...

I can feel it coming...

My friend Eui is going to IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City because she really has a passion to pray for the churches, especially in this area. As I've been visiting different churches with her, I feel led to do the same - to really pray for the my fellow classmates' ministries and churches because I know God is going to great things in this generation...I am so excited!

Whoooooooooo!

So if you would like prayer for you or your ministry, let me know, I'd love to pray for you :)

Please pray for me too. I need prayers to get through this week (since my own motivation is dying...I know I need some supernatural motivation) :)

A New Era of Grace.

(Photo courtesy of Eufemio Magsombol, Jr.)

I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

It is freeing :)

Spreading my wings...and flying high...

I think I have entered into a new era of GRACE.

That phrase can be taken in so many ways...

Yay for freedom in Christ!

Thank you for your prayers :)

I thank God for you...

(A.S. family picture from our planning retreat)

"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers"

Ephesians 1:16

As I reflect on the many things I'm thankful for during this Thanksgiving weekend, I think of one of the greatest things I am thankful for - the amazing community of friends that God has given me. I am thankful for friends who know me and love me - who have seen the good and the bad in me, and still love me. I am thankful for friends who draw me out - who don't take my surface answers when they ask "How are you doing?" and seek out how I'm really doing. I'm thankful for friends who hold me when I'm broken and hopeless, crying my eyes out. I'm thankful for friends who sit with me and come alongside of me, who don't try to fix me, who aren't surprised by me - but love me in my brokenness and show me God's presence - that the intensity of my emotions, my sin, my failures, my fears, my insecurities, my pain don't separate me from God's love.

As Henry Nouwen says in the book In the Name of Jesus:

"We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God."

Thanks for being a vessel of God's love to me.

Machines Ran Away with My Heart.

(Photo courtesy of julosstock from sxc.hu)

I wish I were a machine,

Then I wouldn't have to feel

The loss, the hurt, the pain.

The guilt, the sadness, the shame.

I wouldn't have to look

At the dark places from where they came.

I wouldn't have to spend time and energy

To tend to the broken parts of me.

I could just go, work, and do.

Efficiency 100% times 2.

Logic rules-

Feelings subdued.

Just keep moving,

Just keep busy.

Just keep doing.

I wouldn't have to try to hide -

The feeling of deadness inside.

But then I wouldn't feel

The comfort, the care, the unconditional love

Of the Father's hands who hold me.

Of my Savior, of the descending Dove.

I wouldn't feel the joy of His presence

His delight, His favor, His grace,

His compassion, His mercy, His strength

To endure and run this race.

So I sit, I cry, I scream, I yell-

Because this is the closest I'll ever get to the depths of hell,

And You are still there.

On Courage.

Courage.

It's a word I've been hearing alot lately and thinking about lately. What is courage?

Wikipedia defines it as:

"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition,shame, scandal, or discouragement."

I often think of courage in people such as a firefighter going into a burning building to save people, or a military man fighting for our country to protect the lives of civilians, or a performer performing in front of an audience of thousands.

I don't often think of myself having very much courage, but it's been a word that other people have given to me to describe my journey of confronting the brokenness of myself and allowing others to see me in this brokenness. I know this must be the Spirit working in my life, and a sign of God's grace in me. It is encouraging to hear because I often times focus on the bad in me, that it's hard to see the good.

I really wish I had everything all together - but at the end of the day, it's in the brokenness and pain that God meets me because as Jesus said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). And if I had everything all together, there would be no need of Christ's love. Yet, as I face my own demons, I also see the depths of God's love for me. And so, I experience the reality of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians as I experience the depths of God's love for me:

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

I remember the summer before I started seminary, God kept on bringing to mind the verse, Joshua 1:9:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

And then I remember Rob, telling me that this verse repeatedly came to mind as he thought of me in Spiritual Mentoring Group, during my second semester at Talbot. So here it is again, and again I am reminded that even now, God is with me - that I can be strong and courageous - even as I face my fears, I can take courage in the fact that God is always with me.

Now as I think about courage, I see how courage is around me much more than I realize. I think about the courage of my parents - how they left their homeland of the Philippines, to come to America to make a better life for themselves and their families. Rising up from poverty, they worked hard and excelled in school so that they could provide things for me and my brother the things that they never had growing up. I think of the courage of my dad, coming to America alone - moving to a foreign land full of strangers with no family with him. I think of the courage of my mom, converting to Protestantism even though most of her family was devoutly Roman Catholic. I think of the courage of my parents, moving to a predominantly Caucasian suburb, so that my brother and I would have the comforts of the American upper-middle class. I think of their courage as they worked long and hard hours to send us to a private Christian school, and provide opportunities for us that they never ever had - like enrolling me in piano and violin lessons. I think of their courage as they sought to raise us with good morals and Christian values. I think of the courage my parents have had in hardship as they've both had to mourn the loss of their parents and some of their siblings.

In many ways, they have been great examples for me of courage. And in a sense, perhaps, this is a virtue that I have gleaned from them over the years.

I often don't think much about or thank my parents for the way they raised me. But I am thankful.

And looking back at my childhood - seeing both the good and broken parts doesn't negate either one. Just because I notice the performance-driven patterns in my life in the need to the achieve or gain others' approval, and perhaps work too much, doesn't negate the fact that my parents also demonstrated a great amount of courage and fortitude, in which I have learned from them. Understanding my childhood and looking back at the good times and the painful times, doesn't negate God's goodness or mean that I am ungrateful, but I think it just shows how God's grace and goodness have been in my life and how God uses both the good and broken parts for His glory. His power is truly made perfect in our weaknesses.