I thank God for you...

(A.S. family picture from our planning retreat)

"I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers"

Ephesians 1:16

As I reflect on the many things I'm thankful for during this Thanksgiving weekend, I think of one of the greatest things I am thankful for - the amazing community of friends that God has given me. I am thankful for friends who know me and love me - who have seen the good and the bad in me, and still love me. I am thankful for friends who draw me out - who don't take my surface answers when they ask "How are you doing?" and seek out how I'm really doing. I'm thankful for friends who hold me when I'm broken and hopeless, crying my eyes out. I'm thankful for friends who sit with me and come alongside of me, who don't try to fix me, who aren't surprised by me - but love me in my brokenness and show me God's presence - that the intensity of my emotions, my sin, my failures, my fears, my insecurities, my pain don't separate me from God's love.

As Henry Nouwen says in the book In the Name of Jesus:

"We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God."

Thanks for being a vessel of God's love to me.

Machines Ran Away with My Heart.

(Photo courtesy of julosstock from sxc.hu)

I wish I were a machine,

Then I wouldn't have to feel

The loss, the hurt, the pain.

The guilt, the sadness, the shame.

I wouldn't have to look

At the dark places from where they came.

I wouldn't have to spend time and energy

To tend to the broken parts of me.

I could just go, work, and do.

Efficiency 100% times 2.

Logic rules-

Feelings subdued.

Just keep moving,

Just keep busy.

Just keep doing.

I wouldn't have to try to hide -

The feeling of deadness inside.

But then I wouldn't feel

The comfort, the care, the unconditional love

Of the Father's hands who hold me.

Of my Savior, of the descending Dove.

I wouldn't feel the joy of His presence

His delight, His favor, His grace,

His compassion, His mercy, His strength

To endure and run this race.

So I sit, I cry, I scream, I yell-

Because this is the closest I'll ever get to the depths of hell,

And You are still there.

On Courage.

Courage.

It's a word I've been hearing alot lately and thinking about lately. What is courage?

Wikipedia defines it as:

"Courage, bravery, fortitude, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition,shame, scandal, or discouragement."

I often think of courage in people such as a firefighter going into a burning building to save people, or a military man fighting for our country to protect the lives of civilians, or a performer performing in front of an audience of thousands.

I don't often think of myself having very much courage, but it's been a word that other people have given to me to describe my journey of confronting the brokenness of myself and allowing others to see me in this brokenness. I know this must be the Spirit working in my life, and a sign of God's grace in me. It is encouraging to hear because I often times focus on the bad in me, that it's hard to see the good.

I really wish I had everything all together - but at the end of the day, it's in the brokenness and pain that God meets me because as Jesus said, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). And if I had everything all together, there would be no need of Christ's love. Yet, as I face my own demons, I also see the depths of God's love for me. And so, I experience the reality of Paul's prayer for the Ephesians as I experience the depths of God's love for me:

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

I remember the summer before I started seminary, God kept on bringing to mind the verse, Joshua 1:9:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

And then I remember Rob, telling me that this verse repeatedly came to mind as he thought of me in Spiritual Mentoring Group, during my second semester at Talbot. So here it is again, and again I am reminded that even now, God is with me - that I can be strong and courageous - even as I face my fears, I can take courage in the fact that God is always with me.

Now as I think about courage, I see how courage is around me much more than I realize. I think about the courage of my parents - how they left their homeland of the Philippines, to come to America to make a better life for themselves and their families. Rising up from poverty, they worked hard and excelled in school so that they could provide things for me and my brother the things that they never had growing up. I think of the courage of my dad, coming to America alone - moving to a foreign land full of strangers with no family with him. I think of the courage of my mom, converting to Protestantism even though most of her family was devoutly Roman Catholic. I think of the courage of my parents, moving to a predominantly Caucasian suburb, so that my brother and I would have the comforts of the American upper-middle class. I think of their courage as they worked long and hard hours to send us to a private Christian school, and provide opportunities for us that they never ever had - like enrolling me in piano and violin lessons. I think of their courage as they sought to raise us with good morals and Christian values. I think of the courage my parents have had in hardship as they've both had to mourn the loss of their parents and some of their siblings.

In many ways, they have been great examples for me of courage. And in a sense, perhaps, this is a virtue that I have gleaned from them over the years.

I often don't think much about or thank my parents for the way they raised me. But I am thankful.

And looking back at my childhood - seeing both the good and broken parts doesn't negate either one. Just because I notice the performance-driven patterns in my life in the need to the achieve or gain others' approval, and perhaps work too much, doesn't negate the fact that my parents also demonstrated a great amount of courage and fortitude, in which I have learned from them. Understanding my childhood and looking back at the good times and the painful times, doesn't negate God's goodness or mean that I am ungrateful, but I think it just shows how God's grace and goodness have been in my life and how God uses both the good and broken parts for His glory. His power is truly made perfect in our weaknesses.

I love, love, love...

I currently love, love, love this song:

"Beautiful Things" by Gungor

(thanks to Toby for sharing it in the AS office)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

I love, love, love experiencing the Psalms:

"Those who sow in tears, will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping, carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves." Psalm 126:5-6

I am experiencing this verse - as I face the hard realities of pain and suffering, I also feel an immense joy as God shows me His love and faithfulness in the midst of my brokenness. I am thankful for His truth and that He is the only One who truly knows all the depths of me, and still loves all of me. He knows me better than I even know myself, and loves me so deeply. I am so thankful for this.

I love, love, love studying and thinking about Romans 8:

(Lauren and I jumping in Jerusalem)

I wrote a paper on Romans 8:1-11 this past week and it was pretty amazing. I got so excited in the middle of writing it, that I started dancing in my dining room. I haven't felt this happy in a really long time, so I am so thankful that God is restoring His joy in me.

¹There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.²For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. ³For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

⁹You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. ¹⁰But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

The reason why I get so excited studying this passage is because I the truth that there is freedom in Christ and the Spirit is so exciting for me. When I often feel condemned, the truth that I am not condemned in Christ because He has condemned sin in the flesh for us is so freeing! When I feel hopeless and weak, it is exciting to know that the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in me! There is so much power in the Spirit - there is so much hope for growth and transformation in the Spirit! This is exciting!

I love, love, love this book:

"The Good and Beautiful God" by James Bryan Smith

Quotes from Chapter 4 on "God is Generous."

"The sun gratuitously rises and warms our planet and, along with the unmerited rain, nourishes the land, yielding delicious fruits and grains. It is all manna, the unearned provision of a lavish and loving God. We have never been and will never be in a place where we can turn to God and say, "You owe me. I deserve this." We do not deserve anything we have been given. We have earned nothing. Yet God continues to give. That is because God is not interested in what we can do for God. God is interested in something much more important than our good works....God wants you to know and to love him." (85-86)

"The greatest honor we can give to God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of His love."

"What God most wants is to see you smile because you know how much God loves you."

~Julian of Norwich (86)

I think I've already mentioned this in an earlier blog post. But wow, the truths in this book - so simple, yet so powerful. Things I have known in my head, but now I feel like they are actually connecting to my heart - God is so good and beautiful, generous, and trustworthy - I am learning how to believe not just with my head, but also with my heart. For one who is innately a legalist at heart, one who tries to earn God's love and approval and the love and approval of others, it is so amazing to experience the unconditional love that God has given me in Christ, that I don't have to work for His love. It makes me so happy. I feel so loved by God.

Rainy Days are for Wearing Argyle Sweaters and Boots.

(Photo by Amber S. Wallace, NC from www.sxc.hu)

Today, I enjoyed the rain. I don't always like the rain, but I think because I was prepared for the elements after buying a new pair of stylish water-resistant boots, a warm argyle sweater, and a black-and-white floral umbrella yesterday from Target, I enjoyed the rain today.

Yesterday, I realized that my sneakers do not keep my feet dry in the rain - and I absolutely hate the feeling of walking around in wet socks all day. I remember one day when we were walking around in Jerusalem and it rained - and I was wearing a pair of 5-year-old brown-and-white sneakers with holes in them. My socks got wet early in the morning when I stepped in a puddle and I had to walk around all day with wet socks. I remember finally coming back to our hotel, and we had a couple of hours to chill and wander before dinner. I was exhausted and ready to take a nap. Lauren and I were chilling in our room - and then James, Eufemio, and Jo came to convince us to go walk around Old Jerusalem with them. I was so tired, but then I put on dry socks - and BOOM! - it was like drinking a Red Bull - I was energized and in such better spirits. (Perhaps I should title this post "Dry Socks Gives Me Wings." haha) That was the day we spent an hour in a t-shirt shop and bought our "Shalom Y'all" shirts. I think that night of hanging out with the Shalom Y'all crew was one of my favorite times in Israel. I'm glad I put on those dry socks. It's funny how a change in something so small can influence so much.

(Photo by Eufemio Magsombol from eufemio.zenfolio.com)

So I guess this is something God is teaching me...change doesn't happen overnight, but in steps, even if they are baby steps (haha, now I'm thinking about the movie "What About Bob?")...and that He is holding my hand each step of the way....even in the places where I have to face my fears and my tears. God is good, gentle, and patient with me, even when I am impatient with myself. I am thankful for this.

I am currently reading "The Good and Beautiful God: Falling In Love with the God Jesus Knows" by James Bryan Smith for my Theology class. It is a great book - I highly recommend it. It focuses on how Jesus views God and then has Spiritual Formation Exercises so that the knowledge of who God is doesn't just become head knowledge, but will truly sink deep into the soul. I just read the chapter on how "God is Trustworthy" and the spiritual formation exercise is to count our blessings and praise God for the good gifts He provides....to help us see that He is good and trustworthy. This is something that my Spiritual Director encouraged me to do last semester, but I never really did it...but now as I realize how much I need to internalize this truth, I think this is something I need to start doing more often:

So today's blessings are:

~rain

~boots

~celebrating wearing boots and our femininity with my roommates and the A.S. ladies.

~argyle sweaters

~umbrellas

~being refreshed by worshiping God through music and being reminded that Jesus is risen with other students at chapel

~enjoying food and fellowship with other Talbot students at donut chapel

~Krispy Kreme donuts

~Panera bagels

~Albertson's fried chicken and potato wedges

~A.S. staff meeting - I really love our A.S. team!

~hanging out and having a sleepy day in the A.S. office

~walking around the neighborhood of my apartment and splashing in puddles at the park and having dry socks through it all!

~seeing birds flying in the trees even in the rain

~Wonton soup perfect for cold weather

~free music downloads from Come and Live! - Currently listening to "Lesser Men " by Abel

~blogging and enjoying the quiet, solitude, and reflection in my apartment

There are many things to be thankful for.

Women and Men in Ministry

Just finished reading Women and Men in Ministry: A Complementary Perspective by Robert L. Saucy and Judith K. TenElshof (2 Talbot profs) for my Pastoral Epistles class. I really liked it.

They provide really good Scriptural, theological, psychological, and cultural support for how there is a created order with the headship of man, yet there is also great value and need of the women's voice in the church.

I think I agree with their perspective, but now figuring out how that practically looks like for me is another story...

I want to work with college students in a ministry setting - whether that be campus ministry and/or -perhaps, eventually becoming a professor, so I'm trying to figure out where I fit in the whole scheme of things - how to utilize the ways God has gifted me for His glory in the ways He wants me to use them.

Healing Begins

It hurts coming out of hiding, but I am thankful for God's great love and healing...I am finding freedom...

Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFUHrXfuNU4

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark