The Two Cities Blog

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Endings and Beginnings.

I start my first ever full-time job this week. I guess I'm growing up.

After 21 years being a student (with 8 years of higher education), it feels strange to not be in school anymore. While I'm still working on a college campus and still feel the excitement of the start of a new school year, it is a foreign feeling not having to go to class. Being a student has been part of my identity for such a long time, that it's quite a transition not having the comfort of being in a classroom. I think about how I can continue to learn, grow, and study on my own - and actually now have the freedom to read what I want. It's a pretty exciting thing.

It's also strange not being on Talbot A.S., and having all of those responsibilities, after being on it for the past 3 years. I'm thankful for the rest of not being on the team anymore, and now have the energy to pursue my own social activities (like going to 10 concerts this summer), but I do miss it. That team provided such great community for me, and I learned so much through it. This awkward, introverted, shy girl blossomed into a more sociable person through the love and support of that team. I actually like being with people now.

It was my last week working in Graduate Admissions last week after two years of working part-time there, and I am so thankful for the people in that department who have encouraged me in such amazing ways. They believed and empowered me, especially during a time where I really doubted myself and my own capabilities. As we joke and call the communal cubicle space that I worked in, the "communal nest," as cliche as it sounds,  I felt like I was this baby bird with a broken wing when I started working there, and that place was a place of healing and growth for me. I will greatly miss working in that department. 

As I think about where God has me in the present, I look at how it's so unexpected. I never thought I would be at Biola this long, let alone be working in the Purchasing department. It's mysterious the way my journey has unfolded, and I see how God's been so gracious in leading me just one step at a time. While I've always had these grand visions and long-term plans for myself, God's always just shows me the next step. Sometimes I get frustrated not knowing the future, but I do see how it is God's grace to me in just showing me one step, because I know I would be overwhelmed if I saw His whole plan. And I guess this is where the beauty of surrender lies. I'm still learning what it means to be open-handed in this process.

I do have a desire to write a part 2 of my thesis one day to focus on the healing part of shame (hopefully as a doctoral dissertation or maybe a book), but I don't really know how that's going to pan out, so I'll hold it as open-handed as I can, and just take it one step at a time.

(Photo  All rights reserved by alec's)

Graduation Reflections

Graduation Reflections 

by Grace Sangalang (Notes) on Monday, June 10, 2013 at 1:45am

(A Note I Shared on Facebook)

"5 years is a long time. Alot of things can happen in 5 years." I remember I wrote this in a notebook during my last year in college, as I anticipated the next step. Little did I know that I would spend the next five years at Talbot. 

As I reflect on my 5 years as a student at Talbot, I am so overwhelmed and grateful for the Lord's faithfulness and goodness to me. It has been such a rich experience, not only growing in head knowledge about God and His Word, but also growing in understanding of His love, presence, and Spirit in deeper ways I would never have expected or even imagined. It's been a hard road - I've experienced the deepest pain during my time at Talbot, but I have also experienced the greatest joys. I've learned more about myself, how God has shaped me, my identity in Christ, and have a clearer vision of His calling on my life. 

I am thankful for the tangible ways the Lord has shown me His love and care through community from such sweet friendships with amazing people. I am so grateful for the hugs, prayers, encouraging words, compassionate presence, gifts, love, and care from the community at Talbot. During times when I didn't think I would make it, or I just wanted to quit and give up, the Lord would send someone to encourage me along the way. 

So, I write this to thank each of you for your love and care for me. I am so blessed by your friendship, and I am a changed person because of you. You've shown me Jesus.

(Photos courtesy of Alister Scott Uy)

Restoring the Shamed.

I'm currently reading this book for my thesis: Restoring the Shamed: Towards a Theology of Shame by Robin Stockitt. It's the most thorough Biblical and theological exploration of shame that I've read so far, and it's really readable. I like it alot.

I started crying when I read this part about Christ's crucifixion:

“At each stage of his arrest, trial, and execution Jesus is ritually, intentionally, and sadistically shamed, and with each succeeding humiliating incident he absorbs it and inverts its meaning...His death on the cross was the product of powerful political and spiritual forces ranged against him yet he chose freely to enter that place of shame. The decision was entirely his and in so doing he displayed a dignity that could never finally be removed from him. Shame is turned repeatedly into honor and this is how he “shamed shame” for us. The combination of shaming events is presented by the Gospel writers to illustrate the depths to which Christ was shamed on our behalf. In so doing Christ’s actions draw a deep resonance from deep within all those who have ever entered into their own shamed condition.

That personal journey of exploration is, for many, almost too painful and dark to endure. Shame resides in the primal, existential part of us that is unutterable in its intensity. It expresses itself at times in the simple but tortured cry from the heart: Not good enough! It is the experience of sensing that we are not good enough to merit the exuberant grace of God and that maybe we are also good enough to simply belong to human society and find a place of dignity. It is a truly desperate disease of the soul. If the atonement is only framed in judicial terms, with a declaration of “innocence” being pronounced upon those who put their trust in Christ, then I fear that the intensity of the shame experience will remain untouched. If the story of Jesus is retold, however, in terms of the one who deliberately, intentionally, purposefully seeks out all those who have been shamed – as well as those who have been the instigators of shame – then the narrative takes on a far deeper, more personal, more transforming hue. It is that Christ who not only understands our shamed condition but who has himself entered into the depths of shame for us. He has lowered himself down to the bottom of that poisoned well and drunk it dry” (140).

This thesis-writing process has definitely been a whole head-and-heart experience, and not just an academic endeavor. It is painful entering into feeling these deep places of shame, but I am comforted in knowing that Christ is with me, right here. He knows and understands these feelings of shame, entering this shame and taking it upon Himself, and He loves me here, and gently tells me to receive His love and grace. I think this Lenten season will be quite an experience for me, in contemplating the Cross, and Christ's great love for me. 

Currently listening to: Lent by The Brilliance. 

The Road Ahead

A prayer that I have been reflecting on from Vocation class, which has been comforting to me as I approach graduation:

The Road Ahead by Thomas Merton

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I am following 

your will does not mean

that I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please you

does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this,

you will lead me by the right road ahead though 

I may know nothing about it

Therefore, will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, 

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Little Eyes.

If you haven't already seen it all over my facebook, my nephew, Jackson Alexander Delacruz Sangalang (JAx for short) was born on November 14, 2012. He is the cutest baby ever! I already love him so much :) Being an auntie is great.

I wrote a lullaby for the occasion of his birth. It's pretty cheesy,  but I just wanted to commemorate this joyous occasion with a song. I sang it to him yesterday with Team Glasses, and he fell asleep, so I guess that's a good sign, since that's the purpose of lullabies. It's been fun jammin' with Team Glasses again, since it's been awhile since we've played music together.

Little Eyes
Little eyes to see the world
Open up to the universe.
Little hands to reach out
And touch the sky.
Little mouth to scream and shout
Tell the world you're here!
Baby JAx, Baby JAx, you're here.

We're so glad, we're so glad!
You've brought so much joy to our hearts!
How could we know
Such a tiny little nose,
Would make such room in our hearts?
Baby JAx, Baby JAx, life now starts.

My Thesis Adventure Begins.

Tonight I started reading Growing Healthy Asian American Churches, edited by Peter Cha, Steve Kang, and Helen Lee. This was one of the books that Ben Shin had in the syllabus for the Asian American Church in Society Class that I audited last spring. I finally have a chance to do the reading, and now that I’m starting to do research for my Master’s thesis, I figured it would be a good time to read this book.

It’s only been a week since I’ve been processing the decision to stay in the M.A. emphasis in Spiritual Formation, and to do the thesis, instead of switching to the M.A. Soul Care Program, which I had been contemplating for awhile. After talking to different people, I realized that I really do enjoy research and writing, and that doing the thesis would be a good fit for me. Plus, I get to finish this spring, and while I love Biola, I am getting that itch to travel and to go somewhere new. The thesis would also provide me with a writing sample if I want to continue on to Ph.D. studies.

I've been interested in Asian-American Spiritual Formation, and more specifically, how the shame-based culture affects our view and relationship with God. I was reading the first chapter, on Grace-Filled Households by Nancy Sugikawa and Steve Wong, and as I started reading the different stories and how shame permeates the Asian-American church, I started crying, and then interceding on behalf of the Asian-American church. I felt the pain and the burden that the weight of this shame holds, and how it is hard for us to receive grace and the abundance of the Father. I know this pain and burden because I’ve carried the shame of living with depression for the past decade. Yet, I also see how God’s love has been giving me greater freedom, and how exposing the darkness in my own life to God and to others, and allowing God’s light and love to shine and heal those places, I’ve experienced such great freedom and joy. And I want this freedom for the Asian-American church. I want people to truly experience God’s love and freedom, the way I’ve experienced His love and freedom. I want people to come out of hiding into His marvelous light. And I’m one of those people. I’m still on this journey towards healing and freedom, and there are still many places where I need to receive the Lord’s grace. But OH! How different I am from that girl who entered seminary 5 years ago! Oh, how much God has brought such grace, healing, and freedom! I started singing worship songs to the Lord, such as “Freedom Reigns,” “Blessed,” “My Redeemer’s Love,” “Your Love is Extravagant.” Oh, how sweet it is to sing to the Lord!

Since I wasn’t expecting to write a thesis, I hadn’t really thought about thesis-writing before, and yesterday, as I was thinking about it, I was getting very anxious, thinking about the amount of research and writing I would have to do on top of other school work, A.S., and work, and I was getting really stressed out. I was at work, and Annalyssa was kind enough to give me a neck massage. And then I prayed, and told the Lord about my anxiety, and I felt like he was saying to just take one day, one step at a time, and to just be who I am, and enjoy this process, and that He would take care of the rest. I like research and writing. Some of the most joyful moments of my life have been during writing papers, when the Lord would just remind me of His love, and I would just want to start dancing.

There's that quote by Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire that everyone always quotes,
"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. 
And when I run I feel his pleasure."

In the same way, I feel that when I write, I feel His pleasure.
And again, I'm reminded that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Lord, I ask that you'd use me as a vessel, as a mouthpiece, for your love and freedom.
I ask for your mercy and grace in this process of writing.
I need your strength and endurance. 
I need You. 

And after this experience, I realize that I really do need to pace myself and give myself space if this is what is going to happen to me when I just read a few pages of a book ;P

And please pray with/for me as I start this endeavor. Thanks! :)